I'm finding myself surprisingly affected by the death of Dan Fogelberg last Sunday at age 56. He died of prostate cancer, with which he was diagnosed in 2004. During the last couple of years Fogelberg stressed all men over 50 should get an annual prostate exam (apparently he didn’t get one until the disease was too serious). Stephen Stills just announced he also had prostate cancer, but Graham Nash (who, obviously, is a bandmate of Stills and was a long-time friend of Fogelberg's) noted Stills is in the early stages and has a much better chance for recovery. 

I went through my Fogelberg phase as part of what I call a larger "bearded singer-songwriter phase" from June 1980 to about July 1982. During that time, I acquired all seven of Rupert Holmes' studio albums, four of Fogelberg's, three by Stephen Bishop, and two by Andrew Gold. I really didn't piece it together at the time, but all of them wrote almost all of their own material, had achieved a certain amount of success over the previous few years, and had beards (which I'm pretty sure is just coincidental. 

Again, I didn’t piece all of this together at the time, but I think it was part of a larger yearning on my part for a girlfriend. None of these guys were like The Eagles (writing about the women who would love them and leave them, even though the reality was pretty much the reverse), or Jackson Browne, Billy Joel, Springsteen, or Seger, for whom romance was once of many themes. The bearded guys were focused primarily on the ups and downs of romance. (I will say that Fogelberg came across as far more serious than the other three, who seemed to recognize their own faults and could laugh at them.) 

Most guys won't admit it, but I think they'd rather have someone to truly love instead of a string of buttercups. I mean, that's fun for a short time -- I sometimes say to myself, "Whatever possessed me to wait years for Miss Absolutely Perfect when Miss You Could Be the One for the Next Few Hours or So was right there?" But, in the long haul, we want that special person that we know will be the one. (I knew that about Karen the day after we started dating; I had spent most of the previous six month mooning over someone else.) 

I know most of my friends from college were the types to settle down -- I was invited to thirteen weddings (went to all but two -- no transportation to one, and two were on the same day in different states) from Cornell folks between 1983 and 1996 (I graduated in 1984). All but one couple is still married today (and her remarriage is included in the thirteen). Most of the couples met in college, but not all (I was actually the first one of the group to marry someone outside the Cornell circle, as was Karen with her college friends). Between us, we have 22 kids, ages 3 to 17. Toss in a bunch of weddings and kids among Karen's friends (no divorces there), and that's really bucking the odds. Karen and I have more divorces among our siblings than among our college friends, and between us we only have two brothers and one sister. 

But back in 1981, I wanted that special someone right then and there. Early on, I apparently wanted her at a distance -- two attempts at long-distance relationships with high-school girls didn't pan out. I was doing poorly at school and allowing myself to be sidetracked by mindless activities (who else spent about five dollars a day on video games?). My self-esteem was pretty low. Fortunately, I had also joined a fraternity, and after just barely avoiding being told to take a year off, my friends within the frat and outside helped me get my act together and focus. (This included a wonderful woman with whom I’d become great friends, who made it her personal mission to make sure I stayed in school.) 

And that fall I was getting Fogelberg records. Home Free, Nether Lands, Twin Sons of Different Mothers and The Innocent Age all became part of my collection within six months of one another -- I wouldn't buy another Fogelberg record for nearly 20 years. Surely this guy knew what to do. (As it turned out, he was just as screwed up as the rest of us.) But I made it through that semester, and started getting the idea of what to do with the rest of my life. 

Ultimately, it had very little to do with Dan Fogelberg, and a lot to do with self-confidence. I've been working on that ever since.